I'm Learning

Thanks to those following my dating saga.

I find it helpful to write things down as I stumble through this new and very foreign territory. As I figure this out, I may need to prepare a "how to" book for widows who are planning on dating again.

One rule I've found is to listen to your children. If they are adults, they have opinions, and no one knows you better. Close friends are valuable, too.

I am not good at listening immediately. However, it's time to listen when the people close to you prove to be correct.

My loved ones say to pick a man with geographic proximity and free time. The guy needs to be healthy and financially and emotionally stable. I need a "partner in crime."  While very independent, I love to do things with others, not everything, but a lot of sharing time is good for me.

It's hard to find guys my age without baggage. The universe knows I have too much of my own. The key is that the strong, stoic type who doesn't share will resent my openness and possibly feel I don't care about them. I do and can scale it back, but please let me know if you think that way. 

If they don't have baggage, I guess the question is, "Have they lived, or are they just terminally dull?"

The problem with dating apps is that sometimes you feel like you have a bunch of interesting people and who is the suitable possibility? In real life versus the virtual, one likely meets fewer men, and there's less of a feeling that you are gathering them in a sieve and shaking out the lumps.

(I think I've been baking too much.) 

That seems like a terrible place to end this essay, but I need to get to my gym, or the effects of the baking will not make me happy!

More reflections on online dating

I wonder how I'll feel when I look back at these blog posts in one year or five?

This new dating experience has been fascinating.

I have found a friend that I care for a great deal. Are we a match? I'm not sure. It's so early I'm trying to keep myself distant enough to not be hurt, but it may be too late. We'll see.

I've had some casual coffee/lunch dates to evaluate some other guys who've been interested. It hasn't been a great experience. One guy started with a tale about a woman I think he had thought was the one until he faced her unmitigated racism towards a nonwhite race. He was so disappointed he wanted to bring that up immediately. I share that reaction to this woman's comments, but it didn't seem the best start to our date. He also made a big deal about my comments in my profile about not wanting a controlling partner. He brought that up immediately and gave me a detailed list of the strong professional women in his family and how he wouldn't want to be controlling. I thought again he may have protested too much, likely based on prior experience. This came home when he told the wait staff that we were not interested in dessert without asking me. I don't need dessert, let's be clear, but it did seem arbitrary. He had strongly suggested an entrée that I did not want earlier, but I'd taken that to indicate the price point since he had started the lunch and insisted that he would pay this time. However, "this time" suggests that any "next time" would be a Dutch treat or be on me. I think there are red flags!

He never once offered me his surname nor asked mine, either. In fact, other than asking me about the last concert I attended before the pandemic onset, he didn't want to know much. I wonder if he thought my profile on the site was everything to know about me. Yes, I figured out who he is on the internet. Maybe he's done the same. Then again, perhaps another red flag.

And chemistry, so few guys seem ready to cultivate emotion. A lot of dates can be summed up as "boring." I am willing to see a person twice in many cases because I understand nerves can affect behavior. You can bring out laundry lists and insecurities as barriers because most of us are not professional daters or actors, and dating is very anxiety-provoking. 

Some guys tell me they've been at this for years without finding someone and limit themselves to one date. I am not surprised they have not found the right woman.

I hoped if I didn't find "the one," I'd at least make friends. Not so sure about that.