My continuing dating saga

 This morning, I criticized a supposed professional for lousy spelling when replying to a brief text message on a dating site. If grammatically challenged, please write “2 meet” not “too meet” on your post. You don’t sound professional, and I assume I’m being catfished. I’m likely in too snarly a mood to keep at this dating game if I’m picky about spelling, but I have standards for initial impressions. Sigh!

So, how’s dating going, you may ask? Many people look at a pretty face and don’t read one’s profile. They live too far away for a decent connection, join Match or eHarmony when where they belong is Tinder, or don’t say anything original - “You can’t be age 73,” as if I had never heard that before. In fairness to the guys wanting a short-term connection, a man I dated who only wanted short-term dating or hook-ups told me that for men over 50, their matches on Tinder were often high-priced hookers. Maybe trolling in the waters of sites designed for relationships seems safer. Perhaps they’ll catch a few fish, but for those of us trying to connect with someone, it creates a massive waste of time. No, I haven’t tried “Plenty of Fish.” I wonder if they have, it would fit my metaphor.

Then there are cats. Cats are excellent, but hanging around with cats requires me to be on high-dose steroids to survive. That’s not a healthful lifestyle. I’m allergic to all animals but particularly susceptible to cats. A definite stumbling block to otherwise promising relationships.

My dating life has featured a few flirtations, and you know about my other challenges in dating from previous posts. I did manage a nine-month situation-ship with an adorable, friendly guy. That is likely why I have yet to post since September. I liked his intelligence, looks, and life experience. However, the clinician in me has assessed him as having a “dismissive avoidant attachment style.” I adored him, but he was deeply uncomfortable with someone in touch with their emotions who wanted a real connection.

The good thing is that the guy I was fond of helped me figure out much financial stuff, as my late husband left me in a financial predicament. I’m all squared away now and very confident about my future security. Well, as much as anyone can be with the economy, our crazy, illogical government, and climate change, among other challenges.

Still, I have a comfortable life and am rich in things like family, friends, and pursuits. Still looking for love, though.

I'm Learning

Thanks to those following my dating saga.

I find it helpful to write things down as I stumble through this new and very foreign territory. As I figure this out, I may need to prepare a "how to" book for widows who are planning on dating again.

One rule I've found is to listen to your children. If they are adults, they have opinions, and no one knows you better. Close friends are valuable, too.

I am not good at listening immediately. However, it's time to listen when the people close to you prove to be correct.

My loved ones say to pick a man with geographic proximity and free time. The guy needs to be healthy and financially and emotionally stable. I need a "partner in crime."  While very independent, I love to do things with others, not everything, but a lot of sharing time is good for me.

It's hard to find guys my age without baggage. The universe knows I have too much of my own. The key is that the strong, stoic type who doesn't share will resent my openness and possibly feel I don't care about them. I do and can scale it back, but please let me know if you think that way. 

If they don't have baggage, I guess the question is, "Have they lived, or are they just terminally dull?"

The problem with dating apps is that sometimes you feel like you have a bunch of interesting people and who is the suitable possibility? In real life versus the virtual, one likely meets fewer men, and there's less of a feeling that you are gathering them in a sieve and shaking out the lumps.

(I think I've been baking too much.) 

That seems like a terrible place to end this essay, but I need to get to my gym, or the effects of the baking will not make me happy!

More reflections on online dating

I wonder how I'll feel when I look back at these blog posts in one year or five?

This new dating experience has been fascinating.

I have found a friend that I care for a great deal. Are we a match? I'm not sure. It's so early I'm trying to keep myself distant enough to not be hurt, but it may be too late. We'll see.

I've had some casual coffee/lunch dates to evaluate some other guys who've been interested. It hasn't been a great experience. One guy started with a tale about a woman I think he had thought was the one until he faced her unmitigated racism towards a nonwhite race. He was so disappointed he wanted to bring that up immediately. I share that reaction to this woman's comments, but it didn't seem the best start to our date. He also made a big deal about my comments in my profile about not wanting a controlling partner. He brought that up immediately and gave me a detailed list of the strong professional women in his family and how he wouldn't want to be controlling. I thought again he may have protested too much, likely based on prior experience. This came home when he told the wait staff that we were not interested in dessert without asking me. I don't need dessert, let's be clear, but it did seem arbitrary. He had strongly suggested an entrée that I did not want earlier, but I'd taken that to indicate the price point since he had started the lunch and insisted that he would pay this time. However, "this time" suggests that any "next time" would be a Dutch treat or be on me. I think there are red flags!

He never once offered me his surname nor asked mine, either. In fact, other than asking me about the last concert I attended before the pandemic onset, he didn't want to know much. I wonder if he thought my profile on the site was everything to know about me. Yes, I figured out who he is on the internet. Maybe he's done the same. Then again, perhaps another red flag.

And chemistry, so few guys seem ready to cultivate emotion. A lot of dates can be summed up as "boring." I am willing to see a person twice in many cases because I understand nerves can affect behavior. You can bring out laundry lists and insecurities as barriers because most of us are not professional daters or actors, and dating is very anxiety-provoking. 

Some guys tell me they've been at this for years without finding someone and limit themselves to one date. I am not surprised they have not found the right woman.

I hoped if I didn't find "the one," I'd at least make friends. Not so sure about that.

The continuing dating saga

Life goes on. I'm dating a bit. 

Most of my match.com connections seem pretty random. The algorithm does not consider a person's essay, and even essential criteria, like smoking, are ignored. Note that I'm highly allergic to cigarettes, wood fires, etc. 

Several conversations on the phone or at lunch have been missing chemistry. I need to laugh or feel very comfortable to want to continue to get to know a person.

Still, there are a couple of possibilities on both e-harmony and match.com. We'll see what comes of the connections.

I started this dating adventure, unsure where I wanted things to go.

I'm starting to be a bit clearer about what I want. I'm confident I want a relationship. That is more than friends, though starting as friends seems fine. Friends with benefits is a tricky one. If you want that closeness, you must be ready to explore a real relationship. I'm not talking prepared to tie the knot, but we want to spend time together, share experiences and care about each other. It's beyond casual dating.

One can "just have fun," but for me, it gets tricky.

I appreciate the insights into my personality on e-harmony. No real surprises. It noted my empathy and my strong desire for sharing activities. I like the summary comments like "a diplomat on the fence," "as pragmatic as necessary as open as possible," and " a thoughtful go-getter." I think the excellent qualities outweigh my not-so-desirable ones - the analysis did point out I can be stubborn. But, I naturally want to get to know people and generally have a sunny disposition. I appreciate that the compatibility quiz noted a partner should consider himself lucky that I  have an intriguing combination of comfort and drive. 

The site didn't mention one aspect of my personality: I'm an extroverted introvert. My late husband used to comment on this. A friend recently commented on this quirk. I believe it was telling stories about others to reveal something about myself. Hmmm...

The compliments I get on these sites have boosted my self-confidence. I know I don't look my age, but I'm very aware of ageism and have insecurities about my age and not being skinny. Some men like curvy, though.

Today I was a bit down about the dating experience, but my usual sunny disposition has kicked in, and I am feeling more positive.

I'd love to hear what others think about dating as a senior citizen. Comments are welcome. 

Learning about Love

 

Hi! I think my last couple of posts may have been a bit negative.

Two weeks in, I'm still using eharmony and Match.com. I was steered first to eharmony and then to Match.com by my younger friends and relatives. When I asked them which they met their significant other, they replied Tinder and Bumble. Hah! They want me to get introduced to the world of dating slowly. Very protective and sweet of them, I think. Match.com is one of the most popular sites.

In further research, I discovered that meeting someone online is somewhat better during the pandemic than meeting someone in shared activities or via friend introduction.

Whatever app one chooses has the possibility of a good relationship. 

I had thought Tinder was strictly for hookups/one-night-stands, but people find meaningful relationships there. However, I did get the warning that it can be something of a "S**t-show" there.

I've learned a few things while dipping my toes into the dating sea. I'm sure I'll learn more and refine these points as I go along.

First, if someone does not use their actual first name, they are likely too self-absorbed for a relationship. You may think it's caution on their part, but I've not found that so.

Second, if something doesn't feel right, it isn't. I spoke about "T" from New Jersey before. I never heard back after telling him I wanted a video call but did not close the conversation window on the app. A week later, while scrolling, I found his image blurred on the message board; the site had blocked him because he violated rules.

I'm learning about myself, too. I like flirting; I like funny people. It's not surprising; the best relationships and all my husbands were highly witty.

I knew I did not want to be a nurse or a purse. However, I'm finding it is what many men seek from a woman my age. 

I appreciate younger men who have ingrained lessons from the "me too" movement. They ask permission, even about the words they use like, "sexy",and are respectful, though they are likelier to want photos of one in yoga pants or a swimsuit, LOL!

I'd love to hear stories about your online dating experiences in the comments!

 

Sex, Lies and No Video Tapes

Photo was taken tonight as I write this blog entry.

Hair is a mess but proving my point my image is honest.

 

OK, the title says lies, and it says sex, and while there are plenty of lies, there is no sex ... well, not yet.

There may be none ever, as this online dating is very discouraging. I have not been at it very long, but there seem to be a lot of lies.

 

"T" from New Jersey might be a "bot." Very brief communications on messages and refuses to give his name or have a video conversation. (My video tape reference.) I told him, "I'm not really happy with doing the conversational heavy lifting and I need more identification before I go further in any communication."

I wondered if anyone would question my age. I told a guy I was really 72, and he disappeared. The photos are accurate (I look much younger than my stated age), and so is the information. Unfortunately, the guys I have been "matched" to are not as truthful as I am. In my last post, you read about Kenneth from Utah, who used internet photos to pose as a fellow named Mark from San Francisco.

I'm debating contacting a guy who is out of my age range. He's 5 years older than I am. I hate to be picky, but my limit is a couple of years older. It's just that guys seem to age faster than most women. Men much younger have checked me out, but no contact. I honestly do not know how I'd react to someone younger than 57.

The continuing saga of finding dates

 

Not going well! I got contacted by the amiable Mr. T on the East Coast. However, I'm not sure he is an actual person. The messages are incredibly brief. If he is for real, he ought to be available for a video visit and give me his full name. I think I'll drop the contact if I do not get more information. I don't need imaginary friends, LOL!

The matches on the site are not great. I was advised by e-harmony to check out a guy today that its algorithm thought would be compatible with me. Unfortunately, way off the mark! The profile-listed movie faves were Sound of Music, You've Got Mail, Ghost, Sleepless in Seattle, When Harry Met Sally, and The Shack. Way too many "chick flicks" for me! And I think he was "too old" and moody for me, too!

At least he had a name and enough info to know he was real. He might be perfect for a sensitive 75-year-old woman, just not ideal for me. I have a much younger outlook on life.

I am tempted to try a different dating site. However, I promised myself I'd give this a couple of months; I just wanted to meet some interesting people. I'm not looking to fall in love immediately.

I was hoping for men with equivalent education and career history to mine. A guy who takes care of their teeth would be nice. A good match would be a kind, comfortable person who likes to travel and is funny and someone who'd tolerate my impatience and sometimes blunt speech. Also, he should be someone my kids would not find boring!